How to Defuse Pity

Or: Taking Apart the Pity Bomb

Image Description: A hand reaches to defuse a canister igniting and spurting out a flame.

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It’s a dangerous thing, pity. It is learned so subtly, yet thoroughly, while we grow up in a society that devalues other people — especially those publicly considered lesser like disabled people. (Note: I mean publicly because it is socially acceptable to refer to disabled people with derogatory words or gestures.)

We’re taught to feel sorry for those people. Maybe we are taught to help them, but not always (especially in our current times).

Mostly we want “them” to be out of sight, so that they can then be out of mind. Perhaps then we can forget they exist, forget our human responsibilities to other people. If we can’t forget, maybe we can delay and make someone else responsible at some undesignated time in the future.

But make no mistake that pity is about making whatever target it is aimed at, separate and distanced. It is a fundamental method of othering. And at its core, pity is a failure in recognizing someone else’s humanity.

Pity is in all of us. It is ingrained in some way about someone and becomes unconsciously automatic. The trick is to recognize this and work against it whenever we have the opportunity. Here are some thoughts on what we can do to stop the pity habit.

Identify moments when we feel pity and note the target.

It may be older people or homeless (unhoused) people or someone else. But it’s likely you have an automatic pity response about someone. I certainly do. “What?!” you say, shocked. The significantly disabled lady has someone she pities? “Yup,” I’m telling you that its automatic. We are programmed, but we can notice and observe. We can take a pause on pity. We can note it and not act on it. There is hope for us all in debarking the pity train!

Reflect on the history and explore why this person (or group) is being pitied.

Have a think about why this person/group is tickling your pity button. What did you learn or how were you trained to feel sorry for this person in particular? For example: was it ingrained ageism or feeling sorry for older people? Is it coming from a group of assumptions and not actual facts about the person or group? If you can understand where the pity is coming from it gets easier to prevent and defuse the trigger.

Explore the humanity of this person (or group).

Maybe you need to learn more about the person or group you think they represent. For example, perhaps it would help to learn about the disability rights movement and watch a documentary about it and the people who advocated for better treatment. If you can understand where the person/group is coming from, perhaps you will no longer feel pity about their situation. If you can grasp their hopes, dreams, vision for their life, you can see their humanity in full force.

Imagine switching places and how you would want to be treated.

Someone complimented me once on my ability to step into someone else’s shoes, to try to think and feel from another person’s perspective. It’s a hard thing that doesn’t always come naturally, but it’s a good skill to practice. How would you want to be treated if you were that person? I am guessing with kindness and respect — not with pity. The trick here is to try to put aside your preconceived notions and look through someone else’s eyes. Just be careful to remember that you are only making a best guess and can’t know for sure how another person is feeling (unless you ask them and they are willing to share).

Keep practicing and pause when pity arises.

For me, this is a feeling I regularly need to identify and pause when it comes up. It’s not finished, but an ongoing practice. I take a pause and ask myself: “Where is this feeling coming from?” Can I turn from pity towards compassionate caring? Can I move from pity toward kindness and respect?

In a society that can be stratified, that can encourage looking down or up at other people, it’s a good reminder that we are all equally human. We are all trying to live our lives as best we can, with the tools at our disposal. Pity is really unhelpful, but truly caring about and helping each other matters and can make all of our lives better.

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